Love, Art, Humor And Widowhood
Posted on September 5, 2008
Filed Under Depression |
Several years ago I had quite a different life. I suddenly found myself a young single mother with three children to journey through life with. My neuvo-unmarried status was not a choice of mine. Fate had dealt me a losing hand. Never would I have imagined that when I kissed my husband good-bye that fateful morning I would never kiss, much less see him again.
My children greeted me as I arrived home later that evening. They seemed concerned that their father had not arrived home. I made frantic phone calls to friends and relatives. I had a feeling deep within my core that something was horribly wrong. My feelings were confirmed a short while later when I noticed a car slowly approach my house. My oldest daughter sensed something was amiss. There was a knock on the door. She pleaded with me not to answer.
I saw a police car out the window so opened the door. A detective was looking me in the eye. His eyes squinted and a slight frown on his face. I knew before he told me that it was a tragedy and had something to do with my family. I immediately fell to my knees, I childishly covered my ears with my hands and threw the phone at him. On the phone was my husbands’ brother whom I had been speaking with at the time. I heard the detectives words they burned deep into my being. He informed me that my husband was dead. I do not remember most of the following few weeks until this day.
Close ones took over my daily living chores and helped me through the initial shock. However the pain would not dissipate that easily. I felt severe almost phyisical pain in every breathe. I felt it in my thoughts. It was my constant companion, It kept me company in those long sleepless nights. The nights were always the worst. Darkness begets darkness. My pain was so immense that it burned through my veins circulating through my heart. There was no reprise. Pain ruled my impulses. At one point I considered ending it all. I plotted my own demise. It would have been so easy. So easy to curl up into a fetal position and reverse life. At one point I ran my car off the road only to turn the wheel back at the point of no return. I had pills. I had a gun. I toyed with these ideas, like a cat toys with its prey right before it pounces. I liked the idea of the gun it would be quick and there would be no chance to have a change of heart.
I had a lucid thought, who would clean the mess up? I began to laugh uncontrollably, then came the tears. I slept that night a long restful sleep. I awoke the next morning with a plan. Laughter and a plan, they have carried me far. I now enjoy life. I am a proud mother and grandmother of beautiful grown and infant children. I love life, humor, theater and the arts. Life goes on, and, surprisingly, it has only just begun.
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